Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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