girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
