so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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