I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
