The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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