did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
