I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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