If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
