i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize