textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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