My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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