I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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