Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
