I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
you inspire me to be a worse person
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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