Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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