god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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