I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I can't turn off my feet"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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