During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize