Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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