So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
