I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
