I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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