Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize