I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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