i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
