Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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