Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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