My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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