I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
