just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
