I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
