If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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