apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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