Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
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