Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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