he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
