Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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