I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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