im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
