what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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