Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize