The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
