i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
