He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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