I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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