good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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