Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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