yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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