I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
