M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
