so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
