my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
