he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
