I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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