God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
