he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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