Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
