the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
