Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
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