we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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