i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
