cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
