11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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