I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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