is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
