Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
this just has baby written all over it
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
