All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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